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Women can have expressive and exciting sex lives with each other. Women, according to my research, say that together they have many orgasms and very satisfying experiences with each other.
Since there is no single pre-defined way of 'having sex' between two women, no 'insert A into B' scenario (yes, a woman can buy a dildo or plastic penis and 'pretend to be a man', but this is not the overiding impulse most women feel with another woman, even if some do act in this way), women together are creative about the way they share their bodies, as well as the fantasies and meanings they give to what they are doing, what they whisper.
This has profound implications for all of us, for the future of female sexual expression defined in a new way -- whether a woman is in a heterosexual or lesbian relationship.
Some basic facts: one of the striking differences in sex between two women is that 'sex' is not over when one of the partners has orgasm, since most women do not find that orgasm ends their sexual arousal. The higher number and frequency of orgasms in lesbian sexual relationships has been noted by various researchers going back at least as far as Kinsey. Lesbian sexual relations tend to last longer and involve more over-all body sensuality, since one orgasm does not usually signal the end of sexual feeling. Clitoral stimulation to orgasm is accepted as standard, offered and accepted as normal. But how do women together do this? Is it erotic?
Here are the direct testimonies of women from my research, explaining how they have sexual relations with another woman:
"With a woman there's no end, you don't have orgasms and end-- it's like a circle, it goes on and on. First we hug a lot and kiss and caress each other, then we masturbate each other with our hands and fingers and orally, sometimes combining both -- or with other parts of our bodies..."
"Some times I think I could go straight from deep mouth kissing to clitoral stimulation to have orgasm -- it depends on my state of 'readiness.' I also like my lover to touch me lightly with her tongue and hands all over my body, especially my buttocks and lower abdomen. For orgasm, either her tongue gently flicking my clitoris, or her mouth sucking me hard, or her finger moving right above my clitoris in an increasingly rapid up and down movement, makes me orgasm. Sometimes she pushes her mouth hard against me and shakes her head rapidly from side to side--I orgasm this way also. No one way works best all the time; different ways work at different times. I'm shy, so I guess it's easier for me if we start love-making with our clothes on and do not have more than a minute's interruption for removal of clothes. Otherwise I get a little self-conscious."
"There is always a great deal of touching and affection, fingers run over each other's bodies, legs -entwined, and a great deal of kissing all over our bodies. Then we get into oral sex, mutual or sometimes one person at a time. Sometimes we rest for a while and then start up again."
"The women I've been with have kissed me and I them, we have hugged and gently touched each other; just having our bodies together
and being warm sends a fire surging through my body. One woman sat on my pelvic area lightly, with her back to my face, and stimulated me vaginally/clitorally with her fingers, very gently, taking her time and not at all concerned with getting me excited but more exploring-which
releases me to take my time and do the same. I enjoy all of them very much and hope to see that I make women a more active part of my life. I am doing this by seeking them out by going to lesbians' activities and putting myself in a position to meet them for the conscious purpose that I want to make love to a certain kind of woman that I love."
These descriptions by women themselves are different from the depictions so often seen of exploitative 'lesbian sexuality' in magazines and on television or in videos, where two women together are often pictured in lurid, outre situations and wearing sleezy underwear or 'nighties' -- and often, in pornography, seen as 'getting ready for a man', 'waiting for a man', merely doing the 'warm up' with each other. This, as seen here, is not the true case. Though some women together like to involve 'penetration', as we will see next week, women together find their lovemaking extraordinarily satisfying. This does not make them 'man-haters'!
According to my research, women together are having a very different kind of sexuality than that imagined via the reverse-mirror image of 'sex' in terms of the false stereotype 'every woman wants a penis in her.' For example, women together have many more orgasms than women do with men; clitoral stimulation to orgasm is accepted, as are all the creative forms of stimulation that can be effective between two women.
Men should not fear these new ideas about female sexuality, but welcome them and integrate them into their lovemaking with women, making space for women to 'use their bodies' in new ways, not expecting that women will reach orgasm during 'penetration', even though they may greatly enjoy it, understanding too that women now may want or learn to be active in new ways, not in the 'dominatrix' cliche of pornography ('now she's on top', and other such idiotic non-new reversals of ancient roles).
Lesbian sexuality is interesting because it opens up a whole new realm of possibilities between women, and because it creates its own scenario and activities, there is no predesigned roadmap to follow ('insert A into B'), thus women are free to find their own way.
Next week we will hear more about women's developing relationships with each other. Understanding such sexual relations can be profoundly helpful to everyone -- women and men -- as we try to redesign our human sexual possibilities, our sexual landscape for the future.
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